The Fantastical

Once upon a time there was a dragon called Dave and Dave had a problem and it involved his Spot. Any dragon would tell you that a Spot had to have certain things in its favour before any dragon worth his scales would claim it. This one had all of them plus a few others. Dave’s spot was a ledge perched at the very top of the Mountain of Nee. It had the full heat of the sun for most of the day (which was perfect as dragons are cold blooded and need to sun themselves) while the ground was covered in rich deep green grass that offset the dark gold of his scales perfectly. The finishing touch was the view of a small town filled with fascinating people for him to watch through the long sleepy afternoons. But the most important thing, the thing that over shadowed all the other things, was that is was just the right size for him.

 

When you are a Dragon that has seen your five hundredth year pass, finding spots that you don’t roll off of when you roll over in your sleep starts to become difficult. This spot was not only just the perfect size for him now but had a little extra space so that he could use it for many years to come and right there; in front of him, walking around as though it was their spot, were funny looking humans wearing some kind of metal and smelling strongly of tin and oil.

 

What made it worse was that fact that when he had landed on the very edge of his spot and roared at them to leave (quite politely if all things were considered) and find their own spot. They had waved odd long pointy things at him while squeaking at each other and one of them had even had the audacity to throw its pointy thing at him. Which had made him lose his balance and fall off of the edge of his Spot when it bounced off his right nostril. This has been a great embarrassment and had wounded his pride far more than his nose. But to add salt to an already stinging snout (and pride) the metal covered humans hadn’t even left after he had left.

 

In fact, they looked like they were making them selves comfortable. This fool hardy behaviour along with a few other things gave Dave the odd feeling that he had heard tales of such creatures before. He also had a feeling that none of those tales had told of pleasant experiences but was in no mood for vague feelings as they were walking around his spot.

 

Now a part of Dave knew that he could (and should) move to his second spot a little further up the mountain to think about the odd tingle of warning that flickered over his scales. But Dave didn’t want to do that. He knew he was being stubborn and set in his ways but he also knew that he was far too stubborn to admit that. A rumble issued out from the depths of Dave’s middle as some mysterious workings stoked his internal fires for the first time in six decades. Now Dave knew that he was reacting out of some ancient and very dragon-ish place within himself and not from any logic but…. How dare they take his spot? Was he not Dave the great, Dave the majestic, Dave the fearful? Had not the people brought gifts for him from far and wide in his last domain? Had he not fought off three three other dragons for this very spot? Had he not once blasted an entire town to nothing with just one breath? Okay, it had been a half a horse town (the other half of the horse had belonged to the town next door) but did he not do it? Now these, these things were trying to take his spot?

 

By this time the rumble had become a roar and Dave had begun to glow and shimmer from the heat of the fire that was churning about his middle. As Dave watched the smelly humans set up odd cloth lairs with narrowed eyes an idea occurred to him. He didn’t act on it at once (you didn’t get to reach his size or age by acting before an idea was fully formed) but instead, he let it percolate and brew like a good cup of coffee until the idea was ready.

 

With the easy grace that five hundred years of practice had given him, Dave folded his wings and dived towards the invaders halting with a snap of his wings just above the biggest group. Eyes aglow with triumph, the roar became a noise indescribable as Dave opened his mouth and blasted them with a sheet of white hot fire. When the last of the fire had dissipated the spot stealers were still there. They were not neat piles of ash or poetic wisps of smoke instead there they were standing as they had been before and smelling ever so slightly of over heated oil. Smoke rose from the charred ground, as Dave looked at them stunned beyond thought. One of the impertinent creatures turned to another and said in a squeaky voice, ‘You were right Author, these suits of fire resistant armour were worth every penny!’ Dave hearing if not understanding this snapped out of the shock that he was in and did what all dragons do when stunned or stumble across anything surprising.

 

Dave faster than a bolt of lighting snatch up one of the invaders and with considerable force bit down on the hapless creature. Teeth crunched down upon steel in a scale raising cacophony of screeches while his taste buds sent frantic messages of steel, oil and unwashed armpits and exactly how awful this combination tasted.

 

With a noise that can only be described at sploot, Dave spat the vile tasting thing out and rose into the sky making gagging noises and with all due hast headed to the nearest place that had water. This happened to be the small spring right in the middle of Welcome a small and mostly forgotten farming town that had no idea of the huge dragon problem they had until half of Dave landed on their post office.

 

Dave frantically rinsed and gurgled until the taste of oil and unwashed armpits started to fade to a less shocking level and as the taste faded Dave finally remembered why he had, had a vaguely bad feeling about them. They were knights! Dave had not met any of these horrid beasts before but he had heard of vastly unpleasant encounters from other dragons who had bumped into such humans before.

 

Contemplatively Dave watched the people of Welcome as they ran around in an excited manner. He would have to learn about these Knights before he could make a plan to get rid of them. A course of action decided upon Dave stretched out his wings as he moved out of the post office and into the tailors’ shop before taking off, knocking over half the bakery as his right wing clipped it and leaving the candle stick makers shop at an odd angle from the down draft of his wings.

 

Once home, Dave marched down the halls of his lair with determination. Most believe dragons to be stupid gold obsessed lizards with wings but this was untrue at best and slanderous a worst. Except for a few dim ones most dragons were scholarly types who loved books far more than gold and often spend their lives studying far off places and subjects that only interest dragons and certain kinds of wizards. Dave was one of these dragons and had a huge library full of interesting and odd things that he had collected over the years. Dave womped into the huge cavern that was his library with a joy and a springy-ness of step that he had not felt for about a hundred years.

 

Huge bookcases carved into wonderful and mysterious shapes loomed over Dave as though curious as to what had brought this un-scholarly flurry of movement into their ancient halls as he pulled this book and that scroll from the shelves. Once he was certain that he had all the books that he find that might lead the solution to the problem of those Knights, Dave made his way over to his reading couch; a small pile of gold that he had put in the middle of his library as a comfy place to read and study and opened to the first book the that looked promising.

 

It took about a day to find the passage in an ancient and brittle paged book that mentioned the foul invaders and it only held one short passage. All it said was,

 

“Knights; the most deadly foe dragon kind has ever faced. Semi intelligent creatures of the human kind they carry long pointed sticks that they call swords and are known to hunt dragons, rescue princesses from high towers and steal gold and the good silver if they can find it.They often travel in groups and once they have infested an area they are hard to get rid of as they think it is their quest to bring great pain and exasperation to any previous residents.”

 

The plate next to this vital information showed in great detail a picture of one those creatures that had taken over his spot. Dave carefully rubbed his still stinging nostril with a thoughtful talon. Now that he knew what he faced he realised that he had been lucky so far. The situation would need careful thought before any action was to be taken. Dave put aside the Revised List of Problematic Creatures and settled himself more comfortable on his pile of gold to think things through. It was a pity that the book had not given any indication on how to get rid of these Knights once you had an infestation…

 

He knew that eating, fire, and general fearsomeness did not work so the first question that had to be answered was what would work? Dave picked up the Revised List of Problematic Creatures and took another look at the plate, it was then that he saw the small and faded small print at the bottom of the page,

 

“For removal options go to appendix N,cH 3#”

 

Now this sounded like it could provide him with options but he wasn’t sure if he had appendix N,Ch 3# anymore… He suspected that he had lost it two hundred years ago when he had moved when he had forgotten that it was levelling out an uneven table? He knew that he had meant to replace it but could not bring to mind actually doing so. Dave rolled off the pile of gold, delighting in the soft chime of the coins shifting as he moved. If he did have a copy it would be just two rows away right next to the books on frog spell and their many forms…

 

Dave searched quickly through the shelves where he kept the appendix, filled with excitement at being so close to a solution. There it was, the last book on the bottom shelf, long forgotten and covered in dust was Appendix N,cH 3#, the book that was meant to hold all that would put his world to rights again.

 

Dave chortled as he pulled the dusty volume off the shelf and into the light. With a gentle snort he blew the dust away to reveal a lovingly gold embossed cover that twinkled in greeting, not wanting to wait until he was back on his reading couch of gold, he opened the book right there and quickly paged through until a title caught his eye.

 

“Removal Options for Knights in Shining Armor”

 

Dave’s heart leapt with joy as he read,

 

“If you find yourself in possession of a kingdom infested with Knights there are three things you can do to get rid of them.

 

1. Placed a small pile of gold in a far off kingdom and ‘accidentally’ drop a map with a big X marking the place with ‘Gold hidden Here’ next to it. They love things like this and are quite unable to resist what they call a ‘quest’.”

 

Dave leaned out of the row of shelves to look at his small and only pile of gold, although tempted to trade it for the safe return of his spot he was not tempted enough to part with it. After all one did need a comfy place to sit and read didn’t they?

 

“2. Steal a princess or any damsel and lock her up in a tower far far away, this shall appeal to the ‘shining armour’ part of their personalities and they rarely ever return as their memories are short and new quests away show up as people try and make them leave.”

 

This one sounded like it had more promise but for the fact that he had neither a princess or a damsel nearby that he could steal/borrow for a time.

“3. Incineration works as well.

Do not: Eat, Throw, Lick or Sit on them.”

Dave snapped the book shut in vexation at the hopelessly unhelpful and outdated removal options. He had tried incinerating them to no avail and he had no to part with gold or spare princess…what a moment! Fake gold! He didn’t need to part with his gold or steal a princess, all he needed to do was make the Knights believe that he had a hidden hoard of gold and a princess in a high tower. Neither of them had to be real. The plan unrolled before Daves inner eye like rolling green fields is unveiled as a heavy mist lifts. A grin of delighted triumph spread across his face. He would create such a quest that the likes of it shall never be seen again. Legends shall be made about this quest! The Knights will not be able to resist, they would fall over each other to be the first to leave his spot!

 

With care, Dave placed Apendix N’cH 3# back on its self while making a mental note to send a letter recommending that it be updated, before hurrying off to put his plan in motion. He would need strong parchment; and weather proof ink (he didn’t want them losing their way or turning back) and possibly a little gold leaf. He didn’t know about Knights but anything that had a little sparkle to it always caught his eye with more ease than without.

 

Dave hummed a tune long lost to human kind as he womped joyfully towards his study, he had not had such fun since that time when the people of his domain had decided to revolt and had stormed his lair… he had spent days chasing them up and down halls through fields and up into the high mountains of Ka’dul. Ah, the days of youth and un-scholarly behaviour.

He burst into his study and quickly collected inks, quills, papers, gold and silver leaf, and maps of far of kingdoms, (he would need something to copy from), as well as the jar of silver bells that he had been keeping for a special occasion and laid them all out upon the table, then set to work.

With care and thought Dave created a map like no other in the world. Dotted across skillfully inked hills were artful and impossibly tall towers filled with perfect renderings of teary eyed princesses in obvious distress. Hoards of gold lay about in mountain valleys where they were brought to life with touches of gold leaf. The script curled so much that it could barely be read announced the presence of fire breathing dragons and frightful sea monsters. It was a map that many would find hard to resist, it shone with gold and dripped with silver bells hung by bright red ribbons so that it chimed every time it was moved. Dave rolled it up tight and tied it closed with a royal blue ribbon and finished it off with a bow when laying a trap it is best to make it an inviting one.

With that done Dave placed the map upon his desk and walked into the next room and climbed onto his bed of books. It was important to time the delivery of the trap at exactly the right moment and he had decided that the right time would be at dawn and that was some way off. Sleep now was the most important thing as he had had very little rest since the Knights had invaded his spot.

Dawn came softly to the Knights camp as the smell of bacon and fire roasted bread rose up to Dave’s nose. He had risen before first light so that he could watch the camp and could time his arrival to just the right moment. As he watched Dave saw the last of the Knights stumble out of the cloth lairs and gather around their small fire for breakfast. With a smile he folded his wings and dived towards to camp straightening out to fly just over their heads, the down draft from his wings knocking down the cloth lairs as he passed. With easy grace, he turned on a wing tip to pass overhead again this time blasting the rocks behind the camp with fire.

 

The Knights were in an uproar now and many of them were running into each other in an effort to reach their weapons. Dave gurgled with delight as he swept past the panicked Knights. But it was now time for the last part of his plan, with the sun behind him for a dramatic effect an with wings out spread Dave landed on the very edge of his spot. First one Knight charged then two before very long a whole group were waving a collection of swords and spears at him. With great care, Dave let a spear gaze close to his scales before dramatically throwing his map into the group of Knights so that it hit one of them in the grating that was its face before falling off the ledge as though mortally wounded. At the last moment, he stopped his free fall and soundlessly flew off over the hills. The plan had gone perfectly! The map he hit one of them and unless they were had no curiosity at all they would look at it. Also as a plan be they should think that they had killed him. There would be no reason for them not to leave on a quest as wonderful as the one that he had made. Dave smiled as he turned and flew back towards the mountain, he had to see the fulfilment of his plan.

With the sun behind him Dave knew that the Knights would not see him although he need not have worried they were all huddled in a tight group around something that shone like a small silver sun. His map.

“I can’t believe it Arthur! Just look at it, that beast must have been stealing princess for decades and just look at the gold!”

“I know Lancelot. There is enough gold here to fund a thousand quests…in fact I think this much be the quest of a Life Time.”

Before long they were all gone. Not a sign of the Knights was to be found on Dave’s Spot except for a burnt bit of ground and a faint smell of oil.

Here Daves account of what happened ends but for those of you who wish to know what happened to those Knights… Well they went and found great glory and Arthur turned out to be a king who (once he had retired from being a knight and now had nothing better to do) invented a round table at which he and his knights sit around and drink far too much Mead and talk about how they never did find any of that gold or any princess at any of those places on the map. Which still hangs in Arthurs Hall today.

 

THE END